This was one of the strangest interviews Falafel ever conducted. After his request to interview Turkish President Erdogan, the message from the presidential office was to meet Erdogan on the outskirts of Afrin inside Syria. Upon arriving, Falafel gazes upon Imam Erdogan wearing an Ottoman garb with a sword in his hand. Shortly thereafter, Falafel interviews Erdogan charging with a sword.
Fafalel charged alongside Erdogan with a pen in his hand and a helmet he borrowed from a Turkish tank commander.
Falafel (Still running after Erdogan): Mr. President, what does the sword symbolize for you?
Erdogan: Our Prophet, Sala Allah Alayhi Wa Salam, who opened the eyes of the world by spreading Islam using the will of Allah and his deep beliefs.
Falafel: Don’t you think Islam failed? After all, the most impoverished people around the planet are all Muslims.
Erdogan ignored the question.
Falafel: Do you consider yourself to be a Prophet?
Erdogan: We’ll see. After I conquer Afrin, I will ask God directly.
Falafel: Do you have a direct way to contact God?
Erdogan: Yes, He sends me a text message every night wishing me a good night sleep.
Falafel: Can I see His messages?
Erdogan: He uses Snapchat, you idiot.
Falafel: What are your goals in Syria?
Erdogan: To kill the Kurdish infidels and to help bring democracy to Syria.
Falafel: It’s a well known fact that Islamists like the Muslim Brotherhood whom you represent use democracy to ascend to power and never relinquish it again.
Falafel: What if the US attacks your troops in Syria?
Erdogan: I got the OK to attack from Paul Manafort.
Falafel: But Paul Manafort is under house arrest. Out of power.
Erdogan: Really? You would not think so after talking to him. I have the conversation taped. Just in case.
Falafel: How will you treat the minorities?
Erdogan: The Orthodox Church will be venerated as it is today in Istanbul. The Alawites would be hailed as heroes.
Falafel: But the Muslim Brotherhood hates the minorities. Your ancestors conquered Constantinople to squash the Orthodox Church.
Erdogan: Nonsense. We love the minorities.
Falafel: Aren’t the Kurdish minorities spread between four different countries?
Erdogan did not respond. He eyed an old Kurdish man walking slowly with a cane by the side of the road. He ran after him with his sword raised high above his head. Turkish soldiers, carrying photographic equipment, ran after him.
Falafel could see the headline tomorrow:
Our beloved president killed a terrorist with his own sword