General Qassem Suleimani, the much feared mouse head of the Iranian IRGC, met with Baschar al-Assad in Damascus.
Given the history, here is what we believe happened while Suleimani prepares Assad.
Suleimani: “Wear another tie. This one makes you look too aggressive. Do you have a blue or a turquoise tie?”
Assad: “You mean baby powder blue? It is too Jewish, no?”
Suleimani: “Not blue powder you moron. Wear a turquoise”
Assad changes ties quickly.
Suleimani: “Now, I want you to repeat after me. Ready?”
Suleimani: “Iran has no ambitions in Syria. Say it”
Assad repeats exactly.
Suleimani: “Good. Now say “I am in total control””
Assad: “Suleimani is in total control”
Suleimani: “Not me you dimwit”
Assad repeats accurately this time.
Suleimani: “What will you say if they ask you about our missile nuclear facilities”
Assad: “Say it is ready?”
Suleimani (Pulling his hair): “No, no, no. Don’t say anything. Avoid answering the question. Do you understand?”
Suleimani: “If the Foreign Affairs reporter wants to know about Iranian influence, deny it vehemently. Tell him you are in total control. Understand?”
Suleimani; “If the reporter asks you about the Syrian people, tell him that they back you 100%. Don’t forget to call a terrorist anyone who does not support you. Understand?”
Assad: “Yes. This one I know very well. I say it every morning when I shave”
Suleimani: “Good boy”
Assad: “Can we go ride the big Ferris wheel in London after the interview?”
Suleimani: “Papa can’t go with you; but if you do well in this interview, I will buy you one”
Suleimani (Rolls his eyes. Gets close to Assad to fix his tie and to straighten his jacket): “Now go out there and make papa proud”.
Assad walks on the set feeling in full control of Syria.