Suleimani prepared Assad

Suleimani prepared Assad

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General Qassem Suleimani, the much feared mouse head of the Iranian IRGC, met with Baschar al-Assad in Damascus.

Given the history, here is what we believe happened while Suleimani prepares Assad.

Suleimani: “Wear another tie. This one makes you look too aggressive. Do you have a blue or a turquoise tie?”

Assad: “You mean baby powder blue? It is too Jewish, no?”

Suleimani: “Not blue powder you moron. Wear a turquoise”

Assad changes ties quickly.

Suleimani: “Now, I want you to repeat after me. Ready?”

Assad: “Yes”

Suleimani: “Iran has no ambitions in Syria. Say it”

Assad repeats exactly.

Suleimani: “Good. Now say “I am in total control””

Assad: “Suleimani is in total control”

Suleimani: “Not me you dimwit”

Assad repeats accurately this time.

Suleimani: “What will you say if they ask you about our missile nuclear facilities”

Assad: “Say it is ready?”

Suleimani (Pulling his hair): “No, no, no. Don’t say anything. Avoid answering the question. Do you understand?”

Assad: “Yes”

Suleimani: “If the Foreign Affairs reporter wants to know about Iranian influence, deny it vehemently. Tell him you are in total control. Understand?”

Assad: “Yes”

Suleimani; “If the reporter asks you about the Syrian people, tell him that they back you 100%. Don’t forget to call a terrorist anyone who does not support you. Understand?”

Assad: “Yes. This one I know very well. I say it every morning when I shave”

Suleimani: “Good boy”

Assad: “Can we go ride the big Ferris wheel in London after the interview?”

Suleimani: “Papa can’t go with you; but if you do well in this interview, I will buy you one”

Assad: “Promise?”

Suleimani (Rolls his eyes. Gets close to Assad to fix his tie and to straighten his jacket): “Now go out there and make papa proud”.

Assad walks on the set feeling in full control of Syria.

Suleimani prepared Assad


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