Russia is split over the All-Russian Vote Constitutional Amendment Vladimir Putin is pushing to become an emperor in Russia’s vibrant and transparent democracy. Half the Russian people think it’s great and half think it is not. As a result, there has been a slew of new ideas gaining momentum to amend the Russian Constitution. From praying to iconic gold fishes in a bowl to using power lines to dry one’s clothes. None, however, has grabbed the headlines more than the latest Russian Constitutional Amendment to provide free Vodka for life to every Russian. It’s called the All-Russian Vodka Constitutional Amendment.
Falafel, the super Syrian journalist, could not resist to find out the forces behind this great amendment. So, he flew to Moscow, with a live chicken in his carry-on to look as authentic as possible, to interview the genius behind the idea.
After a week of research, Falafel was able to find the name of the brilliant man behind it. He is a veteran retired pilot who served in Syria with the distinction of having earned the most medals ever accorded to a pilot in Russian history. Even more than Yuri Gagarin.
The hero’s name is Sergey Cocktailov. Falafel found him under a bridge cleaning his hand-me-down tent.
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FALAFEL INTERVIEWS JET FIGHTER PILOT COCKTAILOV
Falafel: Thank you for granting me the interview.
Cocktailov: Grmmm.
Falafel: I understand from my research that your proposed idea of a Russian Constitutional Amendment for free Vodka for every Russian is gaining such momentum even the Duma is supporting it fully.
Cocktailov: Did you bring any Vodka with you?
Falafel: As a matter of fact, I did.
Falafel hands him a shiny large bottle. Cocktailov glues his lips to its bore swallowing the cheap booze with his eyes lit with delight. Falafel continues the interview as fast as he could knowing the man might collapse any minute.
Falafel: How did you come up with the idea Mr. Cocktailov?
Cocktailov: Captain Cocktailov to you.
Falafel corrects himself.
Cocktailov: How? Because free Vodka in Russia is about human rights.
Falafel: How long did you serve in Syria?
Cocktailov: I bombed like 200 hospitals and makeshift clinics.
Falafel: Sorry?
Cocktailov: You asked me how long and I said until I bombed 200 hospitals.
Falafel: So roughly five years?
Cocktailov: Five months.
MOMENTUM FOR the RUSSIAN CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT TO PROVIDE FREE VODKA
Falafel: How would you describe your tour in Syria?
Cocktailov: I don’t want to talk about it.
Falafel: Does it bother you that you killed innocent women and children?
Cocktailov (now getting angry): I said I don’t want to talk about it!!!
Falafel: How did your idea for free Vodka gain so much momentum?
Cocktailov (after a hiccup): My mother, God bless her heart.
Falafel: What do you mean?
Cocktailov (another hiccup): She drew a hand written sign and walked Red Square every day asking people for free Vodka for her son. (Hiccup) Not everyone had money, so that’s how. (Hiccup) If Putin wants to be emperor of Russia, then by golly … we want free Vodka for life in return. It’s our right.
Cocktailov draws another big gulp.
Falafel: If the constitution is amended, this will make you a hero. Again.
Cocktailov: Hero to everyone but the dead Syrian children.
Falafel: Don’t be hard on yourself, you were following orders from above. Way above.
Cocktailov: I have a gift for you too.
Captain Cocktailov disappears in his tiny tent and comes out with a big heavy bucket held with two hands.
Cocktailov: These are the medals I earned for bombing Syrian hospitals. Take one. Any one you like.
Falafel gently declines.
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