My dear friend Falafel, an incorrigible killjoy and naysayer with an inkling for predictions that rarely miss, sent me his list for what he called the Falafel 2015 Predictions.
Topping the Falafel 2015 Predictions list are all the violence he foresees, then all the idiotic acts to respond to that violence, and to end it, his list included any positives we should expect in 2015, something I knew he was reluctant to mention in this sea of death and carnage.
Assad, the Neanderthal
- Assad may wear a suit and shave every day, but Falafel predicts this barbaric Neanderthal will re-start exacting violent acts of revenge, with Hezbollah’s help and blessing, on all those who cheered for the Syrian people during the early stages of the Syrian Uprising in 2011. He will start with all the Syrian oppositionists living in Lebanon (The kidnappings already started) as well as the Lebanese politicians since they are all easy targets for Hezbollah.
- Falafel predicts car bombs, courtesy of Assad and Nasrallah, will show their ugly re-debut in 2015 in Lebanon.
- Falafel predicts ISIL to attempt at least one assassination attempt against Assad to recapture the imagination of the Arab street.
- Falafel predicts that to consolidate his grip, Assad will send one emissary after another to Israel in the hope he can appease his archenemy.
- Falafel predicts Israel will listen to Assad while dispatching its agents to cleanse Damascus of the dangerous men Assad trains to threaten the region (Am Arab League thank you note to PM Netanyahu is in order).
- Falafel also predicts the IAF will carry out two more aerial attacks on suspected sites able to produce chemical weapons Kerry boasted his friend Assad complied with their disposal.
How Fast Can You Morph?
- Falafel predicts that the creation and the failure of a Sunni Islamic State will not discourage others from attempting to re-create it.
Khamenei, THE Great Satan
- Khamenei believes that killing pregnant Syrian women will land him in heaven. Falafel predicts Saint Peter will throw him in hell with a sigh of relief.
- After Khamenei meets Saint Peter in 2015, Falafel predicts a new Green Movement will erupt to free the Iranian people from the Islamist violence.
- Falafel predicts that once the Iranian protestors march again, Obama will go golfing seven days in a row hoping it goes away and his terrorist friends control the morons who seek freedom from violence and repression.
- Falafel predicts Obama will call Gen. Qassem Suleimani secretly to get hourly updates.
Obama’s Foolishness
- Falafel predicts Obama will continue getting late to the party after all the damage has been done. As usual, he will play his chips after the croupier declared Faites vos jeux; and long after the boule lands on a number, Obama will still get the number wrong.
- Falafel predicts Obama will weaken ISIL, but he also predicts the organization will go underground now that it has millions of sympathizers in the Arab world. How much damage it will cause will depend on how well trained and capable are the Arab intelligence services.
- Falafel predicts Obama will incessantly call horsesh*t the accusations leveled against him for his lack of action on Syria that created the Islamic State.
- Falafel predicts that Obama will not show pictures of al-Baghdadi on the walls of his future library walls right next to the pictures of a dead Osama bin Laden.
Oh! The Great One John Kerry
- Falafel predicts John Kerry will accidentally get his Nobel Peace Prize for convincing Assad to dispose of his chemical weapons. During his ceremony in Oslo, Falafel predicts Assad will gas again women and children using from hidden stockpiles. This time the dead are in Aleppo.
- Falafel predicts John Kerry to select eastern Ukraine as his summer vacation spot in 2015.
Has Anyone Seen Putin Lately?
- Falafel predicts Putin will load his jumbo jet with Rubles and fly to Venezuela where the Rubles trade at the highest rate. He will buy a beach hut on Margarita Island to hide from his Oligarchs.
- Falafel predicts Obama will take credit for the Ruble decline citing his knowledge of economic theories that caused it.
- Falafel predicts the Chess Champion Gary Kasparov to mobilize the Russian people more decisively against Putin now that Saudi oil war and the U.S. sanctions are biting hard everyone around Putin.
The Good Join Hands
- Falafel predicts that the minorities in the Middle East will respond to the violence surrounding them by better selecting their partners based on their non-violence characteristics.
- Falafel predicts 2015 to be the year when many around the world begin to question the policies of how to combat violence, terrorism, and the extremist Muslims.
- Falafel predicts Western countries will begin to pay more attention to moderate Muslims than ever before. He predicts a consolidated Western effort, for the first time, based not on ideology, but on unity in the face of terror and violence.
- Falafel predicts that Israel will survive anything Barack Obama throws at it.
- Falafel predicts that Israel and Saudi Arabia will begin secret talks to strike a peace agreement partly provoked by the Saudi-Iranian enmity. Both countries will come to realize, in 2015, they need each other because Iranian violence is targeting them both.
For my money, I think Falafel 2015 Predictions are not only possible, but also quite probable.
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