The Five Stages Assad is Going Through

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It is said that people who grief enter a 5-stage process starting with denial to end with acceptance.

Bearing this in mind, I believe Assad is going through his own five stages. If so, these would probably be his last thoughts and words as the illegal president of Syria.


The people voted overwhelmingly for me. I am the only President in the world to garner a 97.6% approval by the Syrian people. It must be terrorists, plotters, and revenge by the Americans; especially the Israelis who hate me for instigating Hezbollah and Hamas against their country. It can’t be. I am too popular. Proof you ask? There are 50,000 Syrians with Facebook accounts and Asma has 48,000 “I Like” on her Facebook fan page. When I survive this, I am going to make the Americans and the Israelis pay a dear price for their Gutzpa.


But first, I am going to show the world what the Assads are made of. Because we were illiterate peasants when we ascended to power, we have the capacity to terrorize the way Stalin terrorized, be evil the way Rasputin was evil, and torture the way Ivan the Terrible tortured. It’s not a coincidence all these men are Russians. My family has been groomed by them for over 50 years. I will show the world what barbarism looks like.


Kill them all!! Kill them all!! I am such a brave leader that I think my father would be very proud of me. Last night, however, I felt men crawling around my bed. They all want to kill me. My father appeared in my dreams last night and gave me a long list of Syrian commanders and high officers he has seen plotting against me. I have ordered them all killed or sent to Dara’a, Homs, and Idlib to prove they are loyal; once done with killing, I will kill them anyway. My father comes to me in my dreams every night now. He looks pale and angry. The other day, my mother told me he has visited her and my sister too. I can’t die yet. He will torture me when I see him in hell for messing-up his legacy. I hope he knows about the Internet so that I do not have to explain it to him. He’ll never believe me.


I called the head of my guards today and asked him to call some 25 Generals into the war room for urgent orders. Some six hours later, I am still waiting for them. I called Maher but his phone did not answer, which is very unusual. I got a call from Kofi Annan telling me there is a Russian military Mi-17 transport helicopter paid for by US taxpayers ready to transport me and my family to Moscow. I don’t understand. No one told me there was a trip to visit Putin now. I already congratulated that mudak. What does he want now? I think it’s strange that every time I meet with a security man he tells me “We will die before we surrender”. Why does he say “we”?


All 25 Generals I wanted to see, I was told, were either killed by me or have already defected. My brother Maher was killed by a friendly IRGC sniper bullet after he saw him wave his arms on top of a raging tank; the sniper took him for a lunatic about to commit suicide. My mother died of a heart attack last night and my sister Bushra has been sitting on top of my father’s grave asking him to rise. Kofi Annan keeps calling me. Maybe it’s time I see Moscow. I just hope Putin does not ask me for my last dime. But before I leave, I am going to appoint Assef Shawkat the new president of Syria. My sister will just have to visit two graves now.


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