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What”™s all the fuss about TSA with its scanner or “junk” patting procedures? Assad of Syria has the best scanner technology in the world. It is worth considering in order to replace the antiquated methods used by the TSA at US airports.

In Syria, we have five different lines of security available to our lovely departing passengers.

Line No. 1 is reserved for the rich Saudis. The station is manned by intelligence officers who have many bills to pay. All passengers are directed to go through a machine manufactured by the “Assad Unique Scanner Technology”. Its motto just below says: “”¦and you thought the Nazis were bad!! “. Once the passenger enters, a small dose of poisonous gas is released inside the hermetically sealed shower stall turned into a scanner. The passenger panics. The intelligence officer asks how much cash, jewelry, and gold is he carrying. The truth always comes out. The Assad scanner has a record 100% success rate, even better than Assad”™s election victory of 96.7%.

Line No. 2 is reserved for terrorists. The intelligence officers manning this station make sure the bombs were manufactured by one of many Assad factories specializing in car bombs and equipment for suicide bombers. All terrorists pass through the Assad scanner before they are pushed into a private room covered by black curtains. Terrorists are asked who made the bomb they are carrying. If it was made by one of the Assad factories, then he is allowed to board the flight. But if the bomb was manufactured by the Islamists in Gaza, the terrorist is detained, beaten, his testicles electrocuted before his bomb is switched with an authentic Assad bomb guaranteed to function.

Line No. 3 is reserved for the minorities hated by Assad like the Ismaelis. The intelligence officers manning that station watch Nazi movies all night long. All minorities are directed to go through an X-Ray machine whose dose of radiation immediately kills the reproductive systems of either men or women. In one act of mercy, Assad guarantees that he has no competition from any other minorities in Syria.

Line No. 4 is reserved for all other passengers. The intelligence officers manning that station carry guns, whips, electric cables, and testicle clamps all dangling from their belts. In this line, everyone is patted down and groped with abandon. It is also a requirement that the passengers grope the intelligence officer as well to return the favor. If the passenger resists, he/she is directed to a dungeon built inside the terminal just for such an occasion. By the way, even the belt and its accoutrements are built by another Assad factory.

Line No. 5 is reserved for western foreigners only. The intelligence officers manning that station take some of the cash collected by their peers in Line No. 1 to give away to some of the passengers in Line No. 5. Some of the passengers, with well-placed positions back home, are asked to enter a room where an intelligence officer tries to persuade them to work for Assad in return for cash (Taken from the Saudis).Those who do take the cash use their positions as professors, analysts, and even US government employees to influence in order to protect Assad.

In conclusion, when the world flaunts the Israeli security system at their airports, Syria, in fact, has the best system of security in the world. In one centralized location, we make lots of money, promote terrorism around the world, administer policies to protect our superb president, control the masses through fear and torture, and cultivate spies for the greater good in the name of ”¦ resistance.

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