In light of the destruction of the country of Syria Baschar al-Assad inherited whole, it was inevitable before Assad had a therapy session with someone with great influence over Syria to understand his mindset. As a favor, a Kremlin “deep friend” invited Falafel to witness a Putin Assad therapy session planned sometime ago.
The Putin Assad therapy session started at 10:56 am the same time Baschar al-Assad’s father Hafez was pronounced dead the morning of June 10, 2000. Putin believed the time was essential to try and understand this maniac he wished he never met.
Falafel hid behind a long beige and gold curtain in Putin’s office at the Kremlin. This is what he heard.
Putin: Hey no-shoes-filled-Baschar, I want you to relax. Da? Think of how much money your wife shop-till-she-drops Asma can no longer spend because of war savings and belt tightening.
Assad: No can do. She just bought 75 pairs of shoes at $5,000 a pop. How can I relax, Mr. President? She is driving me bananas.
Putin: You know what time it is no-shoes-filled-Baschar? It is exactly 10:56am. Hafez, your great father, you can never fill his shoes, died at this time. How do you feel about that?
Assad: I feel I can never fill his shoes.
Putin: Good answer. We are making progress here. Why do you feel that way?
Assad: I don’t want to talk about it.
Putin: Come on, no-shoes-filled Baschar. It is important to evoke all those images you have of your father during our session. How do you feel?
Assad: OK. I feel I have fulfilled his dreams.
Putin: You’re an idiot.
Assad: What do you want me to say?
Putin: I want you to admit that you have failed miserably. That after only eleven years in power, you squandered the country away that your father gave to you on a silver platter. You, and that mental case your brother Maher, destroyed Syria.
Assad: Can you call the spirit of my father? I need to explain to him what happened.
Putin: Your father died three times already, the last two during the war. His spirit has weathered away lost in deep space. No one can reach him any longer.
Assad (Now crying): What have I done?
SAY IT, YOU IDIOT
Putin: Say it. I destroyed my country.
Assad: I destroyed my country.
Putin: I begged the Mullahs of Iran, your father kept at a distance, to occupy my country.
Assad: I begged the Mullahs of Iran, my father kept at a distance, to occupy my country.
Putin: I begged Vladimir Putin to win me a war I could not win on my own.
Assad: I begged Vladimir Putin to win me a war I could not win on my own.
Putin: Now, I want you to take your shoes off and wear your father’s old shoes your mother Anisa sent me from beyond. She told my spirit reader that she cannot stand the sight of you for what you have done.
Assad complies. The shoes are too large.
Putin: Now, repeat after me. I can never fill the shoes of my father.
Assad (Wiping his running nose with his sleeve): I can never fill the shoes of my father.
Putin: We made good progress today. I am going to leave you here for a while while you repeat 200 times the last sentence.
Assad: Oh, thank you Mr. Putin.
Putin: Try not to trip wearing your father’s shoes.
After Putin left his office, Falafel sneaked out while watching Assad trying to walk normally in his father’s oversized shoes.