According to the World Health Organization, the coronavirus has landed in every country capable of reporting it. Except Syria. Assad seems to have stopped it from entering the country. But how? Falafel was curious how he did it. So, Falafel interviews the Syrian health minister Nizar Yazigi to get to the bottom of this mystery.
Twisting and turning through the streets of Damascus, Falafel finally found his way to Nejmeh Square to the old decrepit health ministry building.
As he entered, he noticed that the whole building has been set up as a triage center with doctors and nurses running every way they can trying to treat thousands of patients. Even the stairs, the bathrooms, and the utility rooms held patients. Totally unexpected in a free-coronavirus country.
FALAFEL INTERVIEWS THE SYRIAN HEALTH MINISTER
Falafel: Minister Yazigi, thank you for the interview.
Yazigi: If it was my choice, I would have said no. But apparently Asma al-Assad, Last of Her Name, the Shopaholic Queen of the Ruins and the Last Men Standing, First Lady of the English Channel, Mender of Chains, and Mother to the Last Terrorist Assads vouched for you.
Falafel: Can you explain to our readers what is going on in the lobby of the ministry? It seems there are thousands of coronavirus infected cases.
Yazigi: Those are not corona infections. This is a simulation we are running to help Iran cope with its tragedy. Syria does not have, nor will it ever get the coronavirus.
Falafel: But I saw dead people covered with blue plastics.
Yazigi: Just a simulation. Our President for Life, His Excellency and Supreme Being, Inheritor of the Ruins of the Assad Throne of Terror, the Last Man Standing on Syria’s Rubble and Lord Commander of Syria the Indestructible Baschar al-Assad has decreed that he stopped the virus from entering Syria.
Falafel: Really? How did he do it?
Yazigi: By starting a large-scale simulation at the ministry.
THE TRUTH, PLEASE. JUST FOR ONCE
Falafel: Minister, please.
Yazigi: Not only Syria’s Assad has zero cases of the coronavirus, I am happy to announce that Syria has already developed a coronavirus antidote. We are the first country to do so. You may announce it to the world.
Falafel: Amazing. What did you call it?
Yazigi: We are still debating between two names. “Do Sneeze, Please” or “Protection Against Sarin Gas Too”. One of its side effects we are proud to say is that you mention, uncontrollably, our President’s name every 15 minutes. You can’t help yourself. No big deal because everyone around the world does it anyway.
Falafel: Does it work well against the coronavirus?
Yazigi: We will know in few weeks after the simulation.
ASSAD HAS BEEN TESTED
Falafel: What about testing for the virus? I assume you have done it to demonstrate Syria is coronavirus-free.
Yazigi: Oh, yes. We have tested so far over 15 million Syrians.
Falafel: That’s impressive. Which tests have you been using?
Yazigi: We have our own Syrian tests. In fact, our Lord Commander of Syria the Indestructible was the inventor.
Falafel: Really? I did not know Assad was a chemist.
Yazigi: He is the best chemist in the world.
Falafel: Care to share his invention with our readers?
Yazigi: Sure. It’s really very simple. First we harvest the coronavirus.
Yazigi: Then we place a large quantity in barrels in liquid form.
Yazigi: Then we fly our helicopters to dense urban area and drop the barrels on the population.
Falafel; Excuse me @#$%^& . You drop barrels containing the coronavirus on the population?
Yazigi: Yes. Brilliant idea.
Falafel: But you just infected millions.
Yazigi: Not really. They seem fine right after we drop the barrels. In fact, our President’s method immunized the population. Have you not heard of Evolution? Have you not heard of Darwin’s natural selection? Silly you!
The brilliant Lord Commander of Syria the Indestructible just made Syrians jump a thousand years of Evolution by spraying them with the coronavirus. What a brilliant man! Syria is so lucky to have him.