Falafel Interviews Antonio Guterres

Falafel Interviews Antonio Guterres

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The United Nations has provided the Assad regime and Russia with coordinates of all medical facilities in Idlib. The idea, Falafel discovered, was to avoid those facilities when conducting blanket bombing runs on civilians and terrorists alike. For this reason, Falafel interviews Antonio Guterres to discuss the logic behind the U.N. sharing information with two countries whose human rights record makes them the brightest stars in this galaxy.

This is not the first time the U.N. shares information about medical facilities with Russia. In May of 2018, the U.N. also provided Russia with the coordinates of hospitals in East Ghouta, Homs, and Douma. ALL were bombed shortly after by Russia.

Falafel thought to himself “The U.N. surely learned from their 2018 mistake. Why did they share again knowing Russia would bomb again?”. To have his answers, Falafel Interviews Antonio Guterres, the U.N. Secretary General.



Falafel: Thank you for giving our readers the chance to understand why you provided Assad and Russia with hospital coordinates in Idlib recently knowing well they could bomb them again as they did in 2018.

Guterres: Thank you Falafel. We have two systems in place at the U.N. that sometimes clash.

Falafel: Pray explain.

Guterres: We operate on an honor system. When a member promises a certain action, we take that member’s word to the bank.

Falafel: And the second conflicting reason?

Guterres: The U.N. is one big money sinkhole. Our budget hardly covers nail salons trips for our staff, Broadway outings to relieve themselves of difficult job conditions, and NBA Finals trips. This year, it was particularly expensive because hundreds of our staff needed to also fly between San Francisco and Toronto in Canada for each game.

Falafel is flabbergasted. Could not find the words to ask the next question.

Guterres: I know what you are thinking Falafel, but this is the U.N. We need to party to achieve anything.

Falafel (finding his compass): But what does the U.N. need to party have anything to do with providing hospital coordinates to two regimes of terror that shortly thereafter they bomb killing countless numbers of women and children?

Guterres: Well, as I was saying, our budget of $5.4 Billions hardly covers our needs. We supplement these needs through fund raising from rich member countries like Saudi Arabia and UAE. Unfortunately, the top leadership in every Muslim country does not like to separate itself from the money they pilfered from their own treasury. So…


Falafel: So you provide the Assad regime the coordinates knowing he will bomb them in order for you to run to rich Arab Sheikhs with hat in hand?

Guterres: Bingo. That way, everyone is happy. The U.N. is happy for raising billions more, the Russians are happy because Putin loves to kill civilians. It’s his hobby, I am told. And the Arab fools are happy because they look like good Muslims.

Falafel: What about the Syrian civilians Assad and Russia are killing?

Guterres: They are the happiest Falafel. Can’t you see? We put them out of their misery. We stop their suffering. One can even say, we send them all to Heaven. It’s what we do here at the U.N.

Falafel: But Mr. Guterres, did you bother to ask them if they want to die?

Guterres: That’s beside the point Falafel. Here, I just got a memo this morning from the top brass at the U.N. saying they found an idyllic Caribbean island to purchase with its own private jet runway and luxury villas as a stopover for a bit of R&R. How could we buy that island if those miserable Syrians refuse to die? Our people need their break from being overworked.


The U.N. has a system in place to start wars because without them, the U.N. top staff cannot get two massages a day.

This surely explains the veto system that is keeping Assad in place to terrorize and gas his own people.

Falafel Interviews Antonio Guterres


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