If Barack Obama were a woman

If Barack Obama were a woman, her pregnancy would last over three years. How do we know this? Instead of giving birth to a decision to help the Syrian opposition in the first nine months, long before al-Qaeda appeared and extremist foreign fighters began streaming into Syria, it took him over three years.

Even at three years, we are yet not certain; these may be false labor signs of timid convulsions. He has done it before with his ultimatum to strike Assad for his gas attacks against civilians. Falsehood is Obama’s signature achievement starting with “You can keep your doctor”.

Women have the gift of steady patience that yields results; in the case of President Obama, his gift has been a steady dose of missed opportunities. He missed it on Syria, he missed it on Egypt, he missed it on Libya, he missed it on Nigeria, he missed it on the Ukraine, and soon we will know how badly he missed it on Iran.

This President went after few al-Qaeda men hiding in villas in Pakistan and let thousands of al-Qaeda men from 50 different countries stream in Syria under his nose. Because of his indecisiveness, he permitted Syria to turn into the biggest recruiting Minaret the Muslim world has ever seen. Pakistan required a remote control, Syria required real courage.

Minorities are under constant duress ever since he delivered his infamous speech in Cairo in 2009, and it ain’t over yet. Violent men know Obama is on their side given how he is treating US allies like Saudi Arabia and Israel, while he is letting real terrorists like al-Qaeda, Assad, Khamenei, and Nasrallah terrorize freely in Syria.

For God’s sake, we have Floridians blowing themselves up in Syria thanks to the feckless policies of our President totally focused on his own personal legacy. Why should we be surprised about Fort Hood or the Boston Marathon bombing?

If Barack Obama were a woman, just before his West Point Commencement address, ESPN asked President Obama to wear a microphone during a GYN office visit with Dr. Patriot Birthme. Here is what we heard later:

O: Is it normal that my country keeps asking me why I am so late giving birth to a decision?

Dr. PB: Americans cannot get used to the idea their country is sacrificing so much for you.

O: Well, their tirades over my timidity are getting under my skin. I am delivering a larger-than-life speech tomorrow to fight back the deluge.

Dr. PB: Any labor movement on Syria? I can do a Cesarean immediately if necessary.

O: Well, I am considering them. However, even as I do, I will not offend the Mullahs. I have a secret deal with those folks not to harm Assad.

Dr. PB: What about the Ukraine?

O: Shirtless Putin is mentally blocking me from making the right decisions there. You should feel the handgrip he has.

Dr. PB: Syria’s baby is overdue by 33 months and I can see this baby growing ferocious canines. Americans will blame you if that baby comes back home to roost, even if 20 years from now.

O: What would Khamenei think of me if I come out swinging instead of gently punting?

Dr. PB: You worry too much about the wrong people. What about the American people that elected a Commander-in-Chief, not a Hesitater-in-Chief? What about US interests?

O: It’s all under control in that department. Ignorant Millennials and dumb labor unions are on my side.

Dr. PB: Let me know when you are ready to birth firm and good decisions. As you have seen with Syria, you know how problematic late births are.

O: I’ll ask Michelle and Valerie again tonight. I really need a massage, or play a game of basketball.

Dr. PB: Mr. President, our allies are seeking real births, not some cockamamie diplomatic dance. America is losing credibility in the furthest corners of the world. Maybe Michelle and Valerie are ill-equipped to provide such complex advice. Fine ladies, but they aren’t George Schultz Mr. President. You cannot manipulate your way into greatness.

O: Did you see LeBron’s fast break dunk the other night?

If Barack Obama were a woman