It was absolutely shocking. No one believed it would happen. Falafel interviews Putin in his prison cell. What prison cell, you ask? Keep reading.
On December 3, 2015, Russian Vladimir Putin delivered himself to The Hague and asked the court to indict him for war crimes in Ukraine and Syria. Putin wanted to spend New Year’s Eve in a prison to atone for his crimes.
After he was booked, fingerprinted, and deeply searched for cavities, Putin requested to tell the real story of why he surrendered to no one but Falafel, the super Syrian journalist from Aleppo. After all, not even Baba Walters and Tautness Friedman who pitched their tents across the street from the ICC had any chance with Falafel in the picture.
Putin insisted that only Falafel interviews Putin in his prison cell.
The day arrived for the interview. After passing through rigorous security, Falafel was ushered inside a large prison cell where Putin was kneeling before a Holy Table while incense was waffling through the air. Falafel waited. Soon enough Putin rose.
Putin: “Dear Falafel… How are you?”
Falafel: “I’m fine Mr. President… I am quite surprised”
Putin: “I am Vlady now. No more titles. I need to ask you a favor.”
Falafel: “Of course”
Vlady: “Patriarch Kirill refused my confession. Can you hear it instead?”
Falafel (Sensing an opportunity): “Sure”
Vlady: “I have killed and maimed Russian, Chechen, Ukrainian, Syrian, and Croatian civilians and journalists. By the tens of thousands. I seek forgiveness.”
Falafel: “What happened to change you? This unreal turnaround?”
Vlady: “Barack Obama shamed me”
Falafel: “wh.. what? What do you mean?”
Vlady: “Just before I invaded Syria to kill hundreds of Syrian civilians, the President of the United States explained on 60 Minutes what leadership is all about. He specifically said “My definition of leadership would be leading on climate change“. So I decided to stop killing people to concentrate on sorting the climate change mess, but not before I pay for my crimes”
Falafel: “I would have never guessed you for a climate change fanatic”
Vlady: “No more killing people for me. I am writing a book on the great Obama definition of leadership.”
Falafel: “Care to share the title?”
Vlady: “Anyone who hugs a tree could become president”
Falafel: “What will happen in Syria? Are you ready to give up on Assad?”
Vlady: “I have. Here is Khamenei’s number. Call him. Or better yet, Obama should send him a letter explaining his definition of leadership. I am certain Khamenei would join me shortly thereafter. Barack Obama’s words are magically irresistible.”
Falafel: “What is the first thing you will do after leaving jail?”
Vlady: “Probably visit the great Barack Obama whose words set me on the right path to redemption. If it was not for his words, I would still be killing people today. His definition of leadership is simply stunning.”
There you have it. The words of our President can turn mass killers into environmental pussycats. It must be true that Valerie Jarrett knows something we all don’t.